Kouga, The Naughty Woodsman
by Sion Alphaios
Summary: A "fractured" retelling of The Little Red Riding Hood from the point of view of Kouga, the "naughty" woodsman. *BTW, the use of "Naughty" is for jest. There's nothing really naughty in here except for some references. Sorry for any misunderstandings.*


A/N: This is technically my first fic and it's based on a "fractured" version of The Little Red Riding Hood. I understand if you think somethings are a little screwy- most of those instances are intentional, though. Sorry if this epic fails. Please feel free to review with tactful criticism. ~Thanks, Sion A.  
P.S. This is written from Kouga's point of view. If there are any issues, please notify me and I will try to remedy it or, in the case the issue is intentional on my part, I will try to explain why I did so. Thanks, again.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own any of the characters etc.

Once upon a time, I was wandering through the woods when suddenly something shiny on the ground caught my eye. I stooped down to pick it up and found it was a flask with a card that read "To Grandpa" and was engraved with the initials "KH." Curious and hoping for something interesting, I opened it and sniffed the contents only to find it was just apple juice. I grimaced in disgust and tossed it over my shoulder, forgetting about it soon afterward.

Without further ado, I continued on my way through the forest searching for the perfect tree. That was my job, though- each day was find a good tree, cut it down, find another tree, cut that one down, rinse, wash, and repeat. My dad had given me the job and I worked with him and all my elder brothers. When I'd come of age and my father had taken me into the family business, he'd told me that I had a very special job. He told me that, unlike all my brothers who would stay in one location cutting down trees, I was allowed to wander the forest looking for the best ones. I don't know how they retrieved the trees I cut down but I didn't care, I only felt sorry for my brothers who were stuck with the same people in the same place all day, every day. In the end, I didn't really care about what I was doing; it put bread on the table, that's all that mattered. But, boy, was it boring! So boring, in fact, that I was easily distracted often.

Ooh! Something colorful!

Again something caught my eye. This time it was red and it moved quickly. Panicking and thinking it was an injured animal, I chased after it hoping to play the hero.

Unfortunately, it's difficult to run with a heavy axe and a heavy upper body built from intense manual labor using said axe. Within a few minutes, I lost sight of that fast red thing and rested against a tree, panting. Briefly, I contemplated working out my lower body more but I figured watching American Idol would be more rewarding in the end.

I soon regained my breath and decided to wander in the same direction since I had nothing better to do. Eventually, something new caught my eye. This time it was shiny _and_ colorful! Bending down, I snatched it up and found it was a bright red apple. Staring at it, I realized it was lunch time so I took a big bite out of it and finished it in a couple more bites. When I was done, I returned to wandering, grinning the entire time.

I went on my way and, after a while, found something else. This thing was also edible; it was a quarter of a wheel of cheese. Considering I was still hungry since an apple wasn't a big enough lunch for a man my size, I ate the cheese, too. Later, though, I wished I'd kept the flask of juice since the cheese dried out my mouth. Seeing no real solution to my slight predicament, I shrugged and continued walking.

Not long had passed again when I found something else. It, too, was edible being that it was a loaf of bread. I ate this slower since I was beginning to get full. Then, when I'd just finished the bread, I found something again! This time, I was a large woven basket. The inside was woven with a red plaid cloth and, out of curiosity, I stuck my axe in. The grip of the axe had gotten slippery with sweat and carrying it in the basket seemed like a less dangerous way to carry it. What if I'd dropped it and severely hurt myself? I held the basket in the crook of my elbow continued on my way, now whistling and much less burdened.

A while later, I felt like I'd been walking for hours. I don't know why I was so tired since my job consisted of walking around the forest cutting down trees but I was. And just when I thought I'd never move again, I happened upon a small cottage. The door was open and there was a sausage on the doorstep. Confused and curious, I picked up the sausage and knocked on the doorframe. I listened for a reply and heard furniture crashing and cries of pain.

Hoping to play the hero again, I barged in brandishing the sausage having forgotten to switch it out for my axe. I gasped in surprise when I saw what was beyond the door. It was Horrible! There was a mass of color rolling around on the floor- red and pink girl and white dog. It looked like the little girl was attacking the dog. Horrified, I pulled the girl away by the back of her dress and held the dog by the scruff of his neck. Holding them apart, I demanded an explanation.

"Who are you?!" the girl demanded. I saw then that the red stuff was her cloak. "And let me go, you stupid oaf! I am Kagome Higurashi, do you hear me?. You can't do this to me! I didn't agree to this in my contract!"

Satisfied that it wasn't blood, I answered the question, ignoring the rest of her rant. "My name is Kouga," I said.

The dog gasped. "Hey, my name is Touga! Our names rhyme!"

At that point, Kagome broke in."Seriously," she said, "Yours names are Kouga and Touga? How lame!"

The dog gasped again. "How mean!"

"Yeah!" I agreed. "You must be a really mean girl if, first you attack Touga, and then you insult us!"

"Now, tell me what happened. What were you doing to the wolf? And why!"

"Oh, it was awful!" Touga wailed before Kagome could say anything. "She started yelling at me just because I was eating meat! How rude! How mean! I'm a dog! I'm supposed to eat meat!"

"You poor thing!" I exclaimed. I turned to the little girl. "How could you?"

As I dropped her to hug and comfort Touga, I didn't hear the Kagome gasp in outrage. We hugged for a decent length of time, then I said, "You're not welcome here!" I picked up Kagome and threw her outside. "And stay out!"

Touga hugged me again and cried, "Thank You! You Saved Me! I Think I Wuff You!"

I hugged him back and cried, "I Think I Wuff You, Too!"

Later, I as we were settling down into our new cottage in the woods, I asked, "Are you hungry? I have some sausage here."

"No, I'm okay. I had something to eat before that girl tried to hurt me."

"Oh, that reminds me, why was she mad in the first place?"

Touga shrugged as much as a dog could shrug. "I ate something of her grandpa's"

"Okay." I shrugged, too. It didn't sound interesting. "So... How about some American Idol?"

"Sure," said Touga and we sat down together on the couch in front of the TV.

After a while, he said, "By the way, I have something to tell you."

"What?"

"I'm actually a dog demon," he said absently and transformed into a white-haired, gold-eyed man.

"Oh, that's good." I replied in relief. "Now our love won't be bestiality."

He grinned. I grinned.

We Lived Happily Ever After... with American Idol.

THE END.


End file.
